Rumpelstiltskin

A horrible father, a horrible king, and a less horrible little man named Rumpelstiltskin make a young woman's life a living hell.

Rapunzel

A 13 year old girl with 75 feet of hair gets pregnant by a prince who will eventually attempt suicide. The kind of stuff that good kids' stories are made of.

Sleeping Beauty

An old woman curses a baby because she didn't get invited to a dinner party.

Hansel & Gretel

Two shitty parents abandon their kids to die in the forest and a witch tries to eat them. Who's the truly guilty one?

Snow White

An insanely insecure queen tries to murder a small child repeatedly, until a prince falls in love with corpse of said small child.

Cinderella

A young woman with a horrible step family and a apathetic father finds "love" in the weirdest fucking way possible.

Cinderella

Concept by Brian Pryor
This is my first episode: The story of Cinderella.

The story begins with a rich man, his daughter, and his dying wife. His daughter’s name was Cinderella and she’s the only person in this whole story with a name. 

Apparently, the guy didn’t really give a fuck that his wife was dying slowly, but Cinderella would always be there hanging out with her and trying to make her last moments on Earth just a little less shitty. Her mom appreciated this so much that her dying words were, “Keep being a cool lady, and god and I will totally take care of you.” They buried her in the backyard, and Cinderella visited her grave every single day, because it was like right there. Her father cared so little that he just married the next fucking person who’d talk to him.

Cinderella’s new step mom had two daughters and they were super pretty, but also the world’s shittiest people. The father, who apparently only thought with his penis, was totally fine with his new family treating his only kid like a slave, calling her “a stupid creature”, and throwing all her clothing in the garbage. Cinderella’s dad was kind of an asshole.

Apparently they gave her the name Cinderella, because they made her do hard work all day and she was always dirty. So they decided that Cinderella was a good name. I don’t know why they hell they decided this, but I’m also not a fucking sociopath like almost every person in this story.

One day, Cinderella’s shitty father went to the local fair and asked all the ladies what they wanted him to bring back. The shitty ladies all wanted jewels and fancy clothes, but Cinderella, probably sarcastically, just said, “I want the first tree branch that hits you on the head. Because anything else you get me is probably just going to get thrown in the garbage by these shitty people you moved into our home.” Her dipshit father didn’t even think twice about this and, sure enough, spent a bunch of money buying nice shit for his horrible step-daughters and also brought a tree branch back for Cinderella. 

Cinderella went and shoved this tree branch in the backyard on her mom’s grave and watered it with her tears. Over time it grew into a tree. She’d take time off her slave labor three times a day to go and cry and pray at this tree. And each time a bird would come and grant her whatever she asked for. Which was never her freedom or to make her step-sisters stop making her life a living hell for some reason.

After a while of this, the king decided that his kid needed someone to have sex with, so he threw a three day party and mandated all the young women to be there. Cinderella’s horrible stepsisters made her slave away making their dresses and prettying them up. Cinderella was like, “Hey I wanna go, too!” and her horrible stepmother just laughed in her face and said, “Fuck you, Cinderella! You can’t go because you’re dirty. You don’t even have a fucking dress, you dumb skank.” 

Instead of saying, “I’m only dirty because you turned me into a fucking slave and I only don’t have a dress because you threw all mine away, you piece of shit.” Cinderella just cried a bunch and kept begging to go. Her shitty stepmom finally said, “Okay! Well I just dumped a fuckload of lentils in the fireplace because I’m apparently as clumsy as I am evil. If you can get every single bean out in the next two hours, you can go to this government-mandated party.

Cinderella went into the backyard and again, instead of wishing for her step-family to die or whatever a normal person would’ve wished for, she wished for a bunch of doves to come get all the lentils out of the fireplace. She made the doves a great deal, too. She told them she only wanted to good lentils, but they could totally eat the bad ones. What a saint.

When Cinderella showed her horrible stepmom that she’d completed this completely ridiculous task, she just replied, “Well, fuck you. You don’t have a dress, and you’re still dirty. So go to hell.” and just fucking left with her two shitty daughters. 

Once they left, Cinderella went in the backyard again and asked for a dress made out of silver and gold which doesn’t sound very comfortable at all. They gave it to her along with a pair of silk and silver shoes and presumably a bath. She got her ass to the government-mandated party as fast as she possibly could and nobody their recognized her, because they were stupid and unable to see that people are able to change their clothes and wash their bodies. 

The king’s son was totally smitten and after a single dance refused to let go of her hand the entire rest of the evening. If anyone tried to holler, he’d tell them to fuck right off. Eventually Cinderella wanted to go home, but the prince demanded to be able to come with. Cinderella was either embarrassed of her house or creep out by the prince, so she bolted and hid in her dad’s pigeon coop. 

When her dad came home, the prince told him that this lady he was trying to get with had just jumped into this pigeon coop. Cinderella’s dad did what any good man would do; he decided, based on nothing at all, that the person wasn’t Cinderella and just smashed the fucking thing to bits. Luckily, Cinderella escaped unnoticed, changed back into her slave clothes, and went back to slaving. Maybe “luckily” is the wrong word. 

Well the prince went home and the next day, Cinderella did the same thing with the prince after dancing with him all night; except this time went and climbed a tree real quick, forcing her crazy ass father to decide to chop down the tree. I’m not sure why Cinderella’s father is so hell bent on killing this person, solely because he’s convinced that she’s not his daughter. But either way, Cinderella escaped again, changed back into her slave clothes, and went back to being a slave. 

The third day, she got an even more spectacular dress and golden shoes. Again the prince refused to let anyone else holler, but this time he had a plan. He covered all the steps in the palace with tar so that, along with everyone else’s shoes, her shoes would stick to it and he could track her down accordingly. Amazingly she only lost her left shoe when she ran away from this prince who apparently couldn’t take “NO” for an answer. And he spent the next day wandering around her neighborhood making people stick their feet in this shoe.

The sociopathic step sisters heard the news and went to go try the shoe on. They were like, “Oh this will be perfect, because we have super sexy feet and we’re just assuming the prince is into that shit.” And this is where the story becomes a little bit insane.

The oldest sister put her foot into the shoe and it didn’t quite fit. He crazy fucking mom just handed her a knife and screamed, “Quick! Cut your fucking toes off! Then your feet will fit and the prince won’t ever expect you to walk, so this is a failsafe plan!” The sociopathic, but apparently not too bright, older sister just started hacking away at her toes. She shoved her bloody stump of a foot into the shoes and presented herself to the prince who apparently had no facial recognition abilities or even the awareness to notice that this lady was just gushing blood out of the shoe that would pretty obviously not fit properly, toes or no toes.

It took him passing the grave for two pigeons that could apparently talk, to yell, “Hey! Fuck that lady! Her foot’s bleeding because she’s not the right person!” 

The prince all of a sudden noticed this and dumped her ass. He took the shoe and gave it to the younger sister. Neither the crazy ass mother nor the younger sister learned anything from the situation they had just fucking watched with their own eyes, and the mom yelled, “Chop your fucking heel off! Shove your bloody foot into that shoe and then the prince will marry you!” The younger sister did exactly what she was told and the insanely unobservant prince just took her away. Again the talking pigeons yelled, “Her fucking foot is bleeding! I can’t believe you didn’t check that this time!” And the prince dumped her ass.

He went back to the father and said, “Hey! You got any other daughters here?” The father was like, “Nah. I mean I have this little slave bitch, who’s actually the only person in this house who’s related to me by blood. But it can’t be her, because she’s dirty. In fact, she’s so dirty that you can’t even see her. Fuck you prince.”

The prince wasn’t even having this shit, and went and fetched her up. He took her wooden slave shoes off and put her foot into the golden one presumably after washing the blood out of it. It was a perfect fit and he all of a sudden recognized her face for the first time this whole time. He snatched up Cinderella and threw her on his horse. This time the talking pigeons said, “Yeah. You finally picked the right woman. You fucking dunce.”

The story ends with Cinderella and the prince getting married. When the horrible sisters tried to take part in the wedding, the talking pigeons came up and pecked their eyeballs out. Now those girls had mangled feet and were blind. And hopefully the father killed himself along with the stepmother. That parts not in here. But everything else is. The end.